Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
