and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
