I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
