my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
