Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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