Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
