Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
