I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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