the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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