Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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