I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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