You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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