it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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