my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
