Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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