I smell stomach acid.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
