well I can't set my house on fire every night
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
