We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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