I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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