her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
