theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Four minutes until I can fart!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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