omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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