yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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