the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
