She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
