she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
