she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
