dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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