Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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