I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
