Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
