Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
