Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
