she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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