We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
