I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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