I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
