Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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