you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
