Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
