Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
