do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
