Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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