There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
