Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
