I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
