Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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