It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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