so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
