I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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